Relationship finances: How do couples split bills when one earns more than the other
By Emily Mee, news reporter
Openly discussing how you split your finances with your partner feels pretty taboo - even among friends.
As a consequence, it can be difficult to know how to approach these conversations with our partner or what is largely considered fair - especially if there's a big imbalance salary-wise.
Research by Hargreaves Lansdown suggests in an average household with a couple, three-quarters of the income is earned by one person.
Even when there is a large disparity, some couples will want to pay the same amount on bills as they want to contribute equally.
But for others, one partner can feel resentful if they are spending all of their money on bills while the other has much more to spend and is living a different lifestyle as a result.
At what stage of the relationship can you talk about money?
"We've kind of formally agreed there is some point in a relationship you start talking about kids - there is no generally agreed time that we start talking about money," says Sarah Coles, head of personal finance at Hargreaves Lansdown.
Some couples may never get around to mentioning it, leading to "lopsided finances".
Ms Coles says if you want to keep on top of finances with your partner, you could set a specific date in the year that you go through it all.
"If it's in the diary and it's not emotional and it's not personal then you can properly go through it," she says.
"It's not a question of 'you need to pull more weight'. It's purely just this is what we've agreed, this is the maths and this is how we need to do that."
While many people start talking about finances around Christmas, Ms Coles suggests this can be a "trying time" for couples so February might be a "less emotional time to sit down".
How do you have the conversation if you feel the current arrangement is unfair?
Relationship counsellor at Relate, Peter Saddington, says that setting out the balance as "unfair" shouldn't be your starting point.
You need to be honest about your position, he says, but your conversation should be negotiating as a couple what works for both of you.
Before you have to jump into the conversation, think about:
- Letting your partner know in advance rather than springing it on them;
- Making sure you and your partner haven't drunk alcohol before having the conversation, as this can make it easy for it to spiral;
- Having all the facts to hand, so you know exactly how much you are spending;
- Using 'I' statements rather than 'you'. For example, you could say to your partner: "I'm really worried about my finances and I would like to sit down and talk about how we manage it. Can we plan a time when we can sit down and do it?"
Mr Saddington says if your partner is not willing to help, you should look at the reasons or question if there are other things in the relationship that need sorting out.
If you're having repeated arguments about money, he says you might have opposite communication styles causing you to "keep headbutting".
Another reason could be there is a "big resentment" lurking in the background - and it may be that you need a third party such as a counsellor, therapist or mediator to help resolve it.
Mr Saddington says there needs to be a "safe space" to have these conversations, and that a third party can help untangle resentments from what is happening now.
He also suggests considering both of your attitudes to money, which he says can be formed by your early life and your family.
"If you grew up in a family where there wasn't any money, or it wasn't talked about, or it was pushed that you save instead of spend, and the other person had the opposite, you can see where those conversations go horribly wrong.
"Understanding what influences each of you when it comes to money is important to do before you have significant conversations about it."
What are the different ways you can split your finances?
There's no one-size-fits-all approach, but there are several ways you can do it - with Money blog readers getting in touch to let us know their approach...
1. Separate personal accounts - both pay the same amount into a joint account regardless of income
Paul Fuller, 40, earns approximately £40,000 a year while his wife earns about £70,000.
They each have separate accounts, including savings accounts, but they pay the same amount (£900) each a month into a joint account to pay for their bills.
Paul says this pays for the things they both benefit from or have a responsibility for, but when it comes to other spending his wife should be able to spend as she likes.
"It's not for me to turn around to my wife and expect her to justify why she thinks it's appropriate to spend £150 in a hairdresser. She works her backside off and she has a very stressful job," he says.
However, their arrangement is still flexible. Their mortgage is going up by £350 a month soon, so his wife has agreed to pay £200 of that.
And if his wife wants a takeaway but he can't afford to pay for it, she'll say it's on her.
"Where a lot of people go wrong is being unable to have those conversations," says Paul.
2. Separate personal accounts - whoever earns the most puts more into a joint account
This is a more formal arrangement than the hybrid approach Paul and his wife use, and many Money blog readers seem to do this in one form or another judging by our inbox.
There's no right or wrong way to do the maths - you could both put in the same percentage of your individual salaries, or come up with a figure you think is fair, or ensure you're both left with the same amount of spending money after each payday.
3. Everything is shared
Gordon Hurd and his wife Brenda live by their spreadsheet.
Brenda earns about £800 more a month as she is working full-time while Gordon is freelance. Previously Gordon had been the breadwinner - so it's a big turnaround.
They each have separate accounts with different banks, but they can both access the two accounts.
How much is left in each account - and their incomings and outgoings - is all detailed in the spreadsheet, which is managed weekly.
Whenever they need to buy something, they can see how much is left in each account and pay from either one.
Gordon says this means "everyone knows how much is available" and "each person's money belongs to the other".
"We have never in the last decade had a single disagreement about money and that is because of this strategy," he says.
Money blog reader Shredder79 got in touch to say he takes a similar approach.
"I earn £50k and my wife earns just under £150k. We have one joint bank account that our wages go into and all our outgoings come out of. Some friends can't get their head around that but it's normal for us."
Another reader,Curtis,also puts his wages into a joint account with his wife.
"After all, when you have a family (three kids) it shouldn't matter who earns more or less!" he says.
Reader Alecgoes further and says he questions "the authenticity of any long-term relationship or the certainly of a marriage if a couple does not completely share a bank account for all earnings and all outgoings".
"As for earning significantly more than the other, so what? If you are one couple or long-term partnership you are one team and you simply communicate and share everything," he says.
"Personally I couldn't imagine doing it any other way and I do instinctively wonder what issues or insecurities, whether it be in trust or something else, sit beneath the need to feel like you need to keep your finances separate from one another, especially if you are a married couple."
A reader going by the name lljdc agrees, saying: "I earn half of what my husband does because I work part-time. Neither of us has a solo account. We have one joint account and everything goes into this and we just spend it however we like. All bills come out of this too. Sometimes I spend more, sometimes he spends more."
4. Separate accounts - but the higher earner pays their partner an 'allowance'
If one partner is earning much more than the other, or one partner isn't earning for whatever reason, they could keep separate accounts and have the higher earner pay their partner an allowance.
This would see them transfer an agreed amount each week or month to their partner's account.
Let us know how you and your partner talk about and split finances in the comments box - we'll feature some of the best next week
